My Story

I remember playing in an indoor soccer league when I was young. I don't remember which position I played but I do remember being terrified to be the goalie. I also played in a "Jr. Jazz" basketball league, I think my dad was my coach. I was in ballet, tap, and jazz, and also loved gymnastics.

I have a July birthday so my parties were usually spent outdoors running through the sprinklers followed by my favorite cake and ice cream. I loved riding my bike, playing in the snow, and chasing my pets around the house. I was a very active and very small little girl.

My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. Within a year my mom, sister and I moved out of our home and in with my grandma. The two houses were only 20 minutes apart, but my little life was forever changed. I was not in the same city so I could not play in my city-wide soccer and basketball leagues. I quit dance because I did not find it fun without my friends, my mom pulled me out of gymnastics because my sister was getting headaches, and I had no friends to ride bikes with me. My parents were divorced, my dad lived in another home with another woman and was having another child. I loved my dad, in fact I got more attention from him after the divorce than before. I liked my new step-mom, and I adored my new little sister, but life changed so much in such a short period of time.

My mom thinks I went into a depression. I don't know if it was a depression, but food and television definitely became my best friends. It took me a while to adjust to my new life, new school, and new friends. Instead of riding my bike around my familiar neighborhood, I got rides to uncharted territory. I ate the same crap I did before the divorce, but I wasn't moving. It is no surprise that the weight piled on. 

I was diagnosed with asthma in the 4th grade - right after my teacher made me run, and run, and run, and I almost passed out. I think I used this as an excuse to not be active. I knew I was bigger than most of my class. By 6th grade I was one of the biggest girls in the school, but I didn't understand what that meant.

I had a very big personality. I knew EVERYONE in junior high school. I am one of the lucky girls that did not have an awful junior high experience. In fact, those three years were probably the best of my k-12 education. However, they did not give me a reason to lose the weight. Oh sure, I went to a "gym" occasionally. At one point I even picked up kick boxing, but that did not last for long. No exercise or healthy eating regimen ever lasted for long. I was going to do WHAT I wanted to do WHEN I wanted to do it. Yes. I was one of THOSE teenagers.

I remember looking at my high school graduation pictures and thinking I looked like Winnie the Pooh. I was devastated. Those pictures got deleted VERY quickly. I convinced myself that I wasn't that big, it was just the graduation gown (hah). 

As I often avoided weighing myself, I cannot tell you how much I gained during my first two years of college, but when I graduated I was definitely bigger than in the picture you see above. During my freshman year I worked out at Gold's Gym (worked out meaning, 2x/week every 6-7 weeks..) and every once in a while I would meet with a trainer. I got so busy during my sophomore year that working out just wasn't an option. I decided to purchase a membership to a gym close to campus during my junior year, but I was only there a few times each semester. My mom purchased nutrisystem during my senior year and as determined as I was to follow the plan, I just couldn't eat the food. I realized that I would lose weight on nutrisystem because I would rather starve myself than eat the shelf stable meals, so I went back to Wendy's & Panda Express.

During my final semester at the University of Utah I auditioned for the Biggest Loser at an open casting call. They called me back for an interview the following day. Then I was asked to submit a video, pictures, a freakishly long background check, a bio, answers to questions, and more pictures. I was told to schedule a doctor's appointment for a complete physical and that they would let me know if I was to be sequestered. I was not sequestered. However, there was a 21 year old college girl on the show that season who was about my size. I guess I lost to the competition. 

I am SO happy I was not on The Biggest Loser.

I moved to Arizona a few months later, got a membership at LA Fitness, and started working out with a trainer. I worked out 4-5x a week, but I did not eat healthy. Although I wanted to lose weight, I was not weighing myself in. I was terrified of how heavy I would be. I was terrified that I could not lose the weight. I eventually got too busy with work, school, and bagpipes and quit working out. I did not realize that my weight had started to creep up again. A year later I tried nutrisystem again, but this time I tried their frozen food. I like their frozen food, but I still could not choke down the shelf stable food, so again I quit.

In April 2012, something changed. 

Someone made me feel wanted.

I don't know why this affected me the way it did. Maybe I had always thought that I could never be wanted. Maybe I felt worthless. Maybe I had been mentally preparing for this lifelong journey and this is what I needed to push me to start. Maybe I'll never know. It was also in April that I became jealous of a friend who had time to work out 5x/week. I remember wishing I had that kind of time. The following week, I worked out 5 times. Midway through the week I realized that it had been 2 days since I had eaten sugar, so I made a goal to not eat sugar for at least 2 weeks. I also decided to eat "healthy". Basically, I ate all of my old nutrisystem meals. I could eat the breakfast, I ate all the frozen meals (lunch or dinner) for dinner, and spent my lunch hour trying to choke down the food. I lost 16 lbs that first month, and I'm sure it's because I starved myself. I did not know it then, but I would not have been able to keep it up.

My step-mom knew I was working on losing weight and she told me about Rehab Arizona. They specialize in Physical Therapy, but they also understand that many people seeking relief in physical therapy could also benefit from a personal trainer and nutritionist, so they provide this service free of cost. I thought this sounded great and set up an appointment for the week I moved into my new house (new environment, less stress, great possibilities). My eval appointment went great. I was excited about the future, but nervous about the food plan. It was based on Chris Powell's 7 Day Carb Cycle Solution (you can read about it in his book,  Choose to Lose). The first thing I had to change was PLANNING what I ate instead of just deciding at each meal; once I got that down, the rest fell into place.

I had to be mentally prepared before I could start this journey. Anyone can "diet". 

I am not dieting.

I am changing my life.

^^ April 2012 ^^

January 2016: Time for an update?

I changed my life and lost about 110lbs. My lowest weight was 183lbs. I maintained that for about a year before I ran face first into a depression. 

It took time, family, support, and therapy, but I found my way out, and 70lbs found its way back to my body. 

I'm back at it (25lbs down and counting), but this time I'm not wondering if I can do it, I know I can. This time it's just that...a matter of time. And this time it's different. I have learned what it means to maintain and I have learned where the pitfalls are. I have learned that while my friends might be able to eat out instead of workout, I can't do that if I want to stay fit and healthy. I was ashamed of myself for a really long time, but I'm not ashamed anymore. I may have taken a few big steps backward, but each of them taught me something that will help me to stay facing forward. My goals are now bigger, my resolve is stronger, and my doubt has disappeared. Let me know if you need a hiking buddy this Spring. I'm all in.