I have had some experiences over the past couple of weeks that have made me reevaluate the way I see the world, and the way I think the world sees me. The result of my reevaluation is something that I hope will change the course of my life.
We all have secrets. These can be actions, feelings, thoughts, emotions, regrets, hopes, dreams, etc.. I am a pretty open book. I will probably tell you something before you ask about it, but there are some things you have to ask about. And if you don't ask in a way that forces me to tell you what I don't want you to know, then I will only answer exactly what you asked. However, if you ask me a direct question, 99.9% of the time I will give you an honest direct answer, even if the answer reveals one of my secrets.
This happened a few weeks ago. I was asked a question that forced me to reveal some of my insecurities (my secrets). Since my revelation I have realized that keeping these insecurities secret are what allows them to continue to exist as insecurities. These will not come as a shocker to anyone who knows me, but it is the first time I have listed them together.
Insecurity #1. My first "kiss" was when I was 8. I have not kissed anyone since then. Why you ask? Well, I believe it is because no one has ever wanted to kiss me. My fear is that no one will ever want to kiss me.
Insecurity #2. I have never been the girlfriend and I have never had a boyfriend. I could be wrong here, but I am pretty sure that is the first step to my eventual goal of getting married. Does this mean I will never get married? Well...that is how I have viewed it. I guess I must not be the marrying type. If no one wants to kiss me, and no one wants to date me, who in their right mind would want to marry me?!
I think I am a pretty awesome person. That may sound a bit cocky and full of ego, but really, I am pretty awesome. I am reliable, supportive, encouraging, a bit sarcastic, honest, trustworthy, and a whole slew of other things. Why would someone not want to kiss me? Date me? Marry me?! My short answer is this:
They won't take the time to get to know me.
Why would someone not take the time to get to know an awesome individual such as myself? Because physical beauty is important and it is currently something I am lacking. Do I think I am pretty? YES! I love my red hair, eyes that change color, and chipmunk cheeks. But my face aside, I don't feel like I have much more to offer. Up until this last week, I honestly did not care too much. If someone could not accept the way I looked they certainly did not deserve the rest of me. I still agree with that last bit, but now I care about the way I look and feel.
I want to go rock climbing and rappelling and not worry that the person on belay cannot support my weight. I want to go sky diving and know that the momentum upon landing will not knock me over. I want to purchase obscenely expensive clothes from fashion designers. I want to flirt with a boy I like and wonder if he likes me back. I want to be kissed in the rain. Someday I would like to get married to a man who accepts that no matter what I look like I will ALWAYS be fighting a battle to stay fit.
I read an article online that said you should not tell your goals to people, because when you do it tricks your brain into thinking you have already accomplished it. So I will not tell you my specific goal, but know that I have started my journey.
I will weigh in every Saturday, and no matter the outcome I will post it on this blog. You are invited to share my successes, setbacks, frustrations, triumphs, tears, and overwhelming joy. I will need your strength and encouragement. I have a long ways to go, but with your help I will get there.
No comments:
Post a Comment